Anne Lamott has a new book, soon to be released as i hear.... called Help. Thanks. Wow. Three Essential Prayers.... now I have no knowledge of what is inside this book so don't begin to think I know something you don't. But just with this title I have to tell you that this is how it worked for me today.
I learned HELP! a few years ago while reading Traveling Mercies, I believe. So I try to remember to use it before I do something that would not be productive for anyone. Its simple. Its to the point and God really doesn't need an explanation. He has been walking through the muck with me the entire time waiting for me to ask.
I have been screaming HELP! to a God who surely wishes I would lower my voice, for days now. It is amazing how hard it is to remember. To me, its like a "safe word". (sorry Lord) but you can be in deep doo doo if you forget your safe word. If, you are, of course, in a situation where one would need one. Forgetting a safe word is a major problem.... I hear. Why I let all the other things run through my head first before I ever think of HELP! is a mystery. Perhaps I am just not in the habit yet. Perhaps, I don't believe it can be as simple as that. One word. No essay, no application no confession or hair shirt. Just HELP!
Its been more than a few days really. Its been almost 2 weeks, that is 14 days... wow when I put it that way, seriously? I have been in spiritual turmoil for 14 days? How embarrassing... it feels like much longer. It always does. I could have never been Moses.
I finally said it, today. HELP! I actually didn't even say it out loud. I wanted to find somewhere to scream it and throw rocks and empty pixie sticks, anything really... I wanted the physical world to hear the sound of a soul in desperation. But logistics just weren't happening. I needed to be completely alone and surrounded by excellent scenery of parched ground, emptiness, candy wrappers and rocks... lots of rocks. Oh and a professional movie sound team and of course, the cameras... and maybe Ron Howard. But mostly, I needed to be alone to scream out loud in front of all those people.
"HELP!" inside I said, and ad libbed a little bit more, "I am going crazy. Make it stop PLEASE?!"
I am have been rendered ineffectual toward some of the situations in my life and have been now for (I promise) more than 14 days. 3 years. Still not Moses but enough for this girl.
I got home from the futile dance I do every two weeks. Even knowing that in December someone who can change things, save children, make grown ups act appropriately, will come, its just getting to be too far away. The closer it gets the farther away it is. I have absolutely no control over it.
Where the hell is Ron Howard? I thought as I pulled into my apartment house. Instead, my loving daughter starts dinner. Wonderful tacos, as I sit down to my email hoping for.... what? HELP? And there it was, HELP :-). My son, my beautiful son who is out in life, living happily, honestly and lovingly, shows up in my email with a shout out with a new phone number and then an actual phone call. His voice, his stories of what he has been doing, and blessed reassurance that he too, loved his mother. He is exactly who he wants to be. I couldn't ask for anything more than that from a child. Be happy. Be healthy. Have plans. Be in the moment. After the heart to heart, and the sound of the phone disconnecting, I sat on the side of my bed. Wow, I thought. Thanks!
The tacos were amazing. The peace is amazing. All I had to do is remember my safe word. HELP!? Perhaps, I need to remember it sooner. Or ask before I start looking for Ron Howard to direct my complete breakdown. Perhaps, I can do it differently. Perhaps it should be a waking prayer. HELP?! Then the recognition in the middle of the day of WOW! and then the sacred time at night when I can give thanks, THANKS! seems so much easier than what I have been doing.
The thoughtfulness. The having-it-all-together. The "I Love You Mom" moments wield a power many would not believe.
ReplyDeleteTo this post, I say, "wow"
Go. You.