My girl continually hears of all of my would be adventures. She decided she was not to be left in the dust so she told me she was making her own bucket list... I told her she could absolutely not call it a bucket list because 1- it wouldn't be fair because she has longer to live than I do. 2- well anyone under 18 who is as healthy as my kid cannot use that saying. Its my house, my rules. God I love being the parent. So we renamed her list as the "Before/At the Age of Majority" list.
Hannah's Age of Majority List
1. Learn to speak Japanese (started)
2. Save enough money to go to Japan with her friend at graduation. (started)
3. Eat a hot dog from a street vendor in Boise on a kickin' Friday or Saturday night.
4. See Katy Perry in concert.
5. Start her own babysitting business.
(She has already become certified in CPR and the use of an AED)
6. Ride in a hot air balloon.
7. Sing as a part of a choir.
8. Learn to play the piano.
9. See the Solar Eclipse.
10. She wants to see the entire TV drama of ER. It was one of our video binges we indulged in, in the beginning of the year, when she needed distraction and wouldn't leave my bed for fear of the silence, the suspension of real life for her so she didn't actually have to sleep alone in her own room alone. Luckily, I was between temp jobs, by the grace of God, and we would wear her out with drama, Noah Wiley and I would sometimes talk about how this show used to be "date night" for my ex-husband (her father) and I. I would tell her little things about that time in our lives when she was a baby and we would settle her down before 9pm so we could spend just a little time alone together. It comforted her because she remembered what peace lived inside her blueberry home. She didn't know the future. Hell, none of us knew the future. So perhaps, besides Noah Wiley, there was an internal calmness that she had forgotten about growing up in a functional home. Growing up with a father that she didn't remember as loving and kind, like the father I would tell her about. We would watch 'till our eyes hurt and then we would turn off the tv and try to sleep. She crawled in close to me, we would whisper thoughts as they came to us. One night, she and I talked about the last night I tucked her into her blueberry bed. She knew I was leaving for a different house. I knew I was leaving to a different house. Neither of us wanted it to happen. Although, being the grown up, I knew why I had to. A heartbreak I thought only I would remember. I was wrong. I remember lying there in the dark with her and apologizing for having to leave. I told her that I had no choice but to leave because I would have been living a lie if I stayed. I was a lesbian and I had to leave. I told her about the horribleness of pretending to be someone I wasn't and that I just couldn't do it any more. We were both tearful, laying there whispering in the dark after our long evening of ER. I told her I was so sorry for having to leave her there, tucked tight in her blueberry bed. I thought she would say something like, "I forgive you" or "Its okay mom" but instead, she whispers, "I know exactly how you felt now mom, pretending, always pretending to be happy, and perfect and having no one know the truth." I remembering reaching out to stroke her cheek. I missed and poked her eye.... we giggled but I felt her tears. I wiped them away. She reached out and fumbled for my face as well. She found and wiped my tears away too. She and I watched every episode of ER we could find but they are scarce... we didn't make it to the 3rd season. I need to find the entire set of ER for her for Christmas. I have seen it on Ebay. I don't know where the money is going to come from but she and I need that. It was our safe place.
We will update this list as it grows. And it surely will. She has only had a few months in which the world of possibilities has been laid before her and I told her the secret... she can dream. She can make anything happen she wants to. She doesn't have to be perfect to be good. And its okay to fall flat on her face, or change her mind. It isn't something that she has been used to hearing in the silence of her room. In a quiet house. With no one to talk to.
How exciting it is to be learning from the things I teach her. How exciting to see her eyes light up when she finds there is no reason not to create her own experiences.
Wow! Thanks!
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